Interview with a Crocodile

For weeks afterward, I wondered and I weighed my options in my mind, over and over again. My friend from home Greg told me, "Dude, you have to go down there and see it for yourself. And then, you gotta go out and buy it a collar and take it for walks. You'll always regret never having done it if you punk out. Make sure you take pictures and send them to me." Now, I there was no way in hell I was going to take the potentially mythical gator in my basement out for a walk. However, I would regret not ever seeing this thing for myself. What to do...?
So, on a Saturday morning, after having had some breakfast and coffee to steady myself/put myself completely on edge, I made my way to the basement. I may or may not have coaxed a cat or two down with me, as protection, along with a spatula from the kitchen and my camera, to document the expedition. After having limbered up and as I made my down the stairs and felt the cooler air hit my legs, I didn't know what to expect, except that I would likely have to run very fast. My hope was that I had the sense to run back the same way I had come. The first thing I saw, which gave my an instant sense of misplaced comfort, was a kiddy pool with a lamp hanging over it. Here was a well-known object from my youth; my sister and I would go over to my grandma's house and set up a flimsy, collapsible pool to play in on hot summer days. I can still remember the smell of the plastic lining and hear my grandma yelling to wait for the already boiling water to heat up, so we wouldn't catch a cold. Here it was, transformed into a container of death; a cage for evil. As I peered in, I saw it, a four foot long croc just chilling like no-one's business in this kiddy pool. And next to him, sure enough, was a really pissed-off looking turtle.
I made sure to keep my distance and not turn my back on these devils, but I was instantly attracted to another room in the basement, almost like a closet, where a light was on. As I walked closer and peered in, I could see drawer-like cages stacked from floor to ceiling. As I moved closer I could see that they were filled with rats. Our house also had a rat room. Awesome. Freaked out in a way that the crocodile and snapping tortuga had not managed to spook me, I hurried out of the basement and back up the stairs to my room to try and make sense of this latest development in my living situation/catastrophe.

Kittens and the Terror in the Basement

So, a few weeks after I moved in, I found myself in the kitchen with my fellow, sane housemates, Adam & Abbey. I was chatting with them and making some Annie's Mac & Cheese, like I do, when the conversation turned to something we three can commiserate about rather freely; the zoo we have found ourselves living in this summer. We were talking about how we hadn't seen the Lizard Man in quite some time, when Adam mentioned that L.M. had just gotten back with Lady Bee, his lady friend and fellow housemate. "Did you see that they brought new animals?" Adam asked. "What?" I asked, without the slightest hint of anything remotely resembling apprehension or disbelief in my voice. "Yeah, but its a kitten and she's really cute!" Adam explained. And, as I looked down at Dani the Kitten, I had to agree, in spite of my worry that the poor thing had been brought to Jurassic Park as food for the attractions.
While we're on the subject, I was watching Jurassic Park on Saturday morning. You know, in addition to the cartoons. If you haven't seen it in a while you should. It's a great movie. It also illustrates my living situation and how it came to be better than this blog post ever could. Just picture the Lizard Man as the old white guy, Mr. Hammond, who starts the Park. Just, not as sweet and grandfatherly and more obsessed with lizards.
Now, back to the story. It was at this point that the three of us realized we all found the living situation to be quite ridonkulous. As a result, we also realized we would be getting along very well for the rest of the summer. I explained to them that I was befriending their cats in case there was an Orwellian uprising from the reptiles in the house; I needed someone to watch my shit while I'm at work. They gave me the low-down on all of the animals they had seen so far, and that's when it became an incredibly educational night for me. I made some off-handed reference to the fact that I had counted a dozen animals in the house and liked to do a count-off every night, just to be sure every one was accounted for and, therefore, not hiding in the floorboards of my room. That's when Adam mentioned that there were many, many more than just a dozen animals. I started listing animals on the first floor when Adam politely stopped me and asked,
"Well, what about the ones in the basement?"
"Excuse me my good sir, there's more lizards in the basement?"
"No, no. Well, not a lizard, per se. You don't know about the crocodile?"
"Bullshit"
"Seriously, there's a crocodile and a snapping turtle. Or, at least, I'm guessing its a snapping turtle because when I saw it, it looked at me and he looked pissed as all hell. Regular turtles never look angry, you know?"
"I don't believe this..."
"You don't believe me? Go in the basement and check for yourself."
"I'm not going into the basement!!! There's a fucking crocodile down there!!!"